Real Friends Kick You When You're Down

We are taught to believe that the best friends we will find are those who will support us through everything, who will stand by you through every bad decision, and pick you up, comforting you after every fall. As I get older, I’ve found that the people you surround yourself with is far more important than you realize and fully shape and reflect the person you are. The more I care about what (and who) I surround myself with, the more I also realize the kind of people you think would be the best to keep around, often fail aiding in your own development. But what actually makes a good friend? And how do you find them? 

The last thing anyone wants is to be pushed further when they’re already down, but I’d much prefer that than to be comforted in false tenses. A friend who will never point out your mistakes, tell you the hard truths, or feel the pain alongside you, is not a friend. Now don’t twist my words here, I am not saying to choose friends who aren’t willing to be by your side when you mess up, but to choose those who will be honest even when it hurts. As we get older it often becomes harder to find good friends, below I have outlined what truly makes a good friend and how I have come to find them.  

 1. Pouring In, Pouring Out 

Similar to saying a relationship should be 50/50; a friendship should also go both ways. Of course, there will be times where one person may be lower and the other compensates, but if you are always giving it your all while the other seems to be giving nothing, it calls to question the solidity of your friendship. To always be giving to others yet failing to receive any effort in return is exhausting and unsustainable. While I falter in many ways and am in no way perfect, dependability is not one. I would drop everything for a friend if they told me they needed me, but when roles are reversed if I am left stranded due to inconvenience, I know that is not someone I can rely on. Pouring in, pouring out is about dependability and mutual respect, and when one side consistently falls short, your relationship likely will as well.  

 2. Genuine Connection 

Recently I heard someone say that friendships are the only bonds you choose based fully on free will and pure intentions. Family is something you are born into, where you have no choice in the matter, simply bound through blood. Romantic relationships often have ulterior motives, leaving you to wonder if they want you for you or an artificial commodity (wealth, title, physical desire, etc.) and once you’re married, you are bound by legality and often external responsibilities like children. Not to say this is always the case, but whoever said this did have a point in that a friendship often has no ulterior motives, that it should be based purely through a genuine love for the other person. If this doesn’t seem to be the case for either your feelings for your friends or vice versa, it may be time to ask yourself why.  

 3. Honesty  

To circle back to our intro, ‘real friends kick you when you’re down’, while seemingly controversial falls back onto the basic principle of honesty. A common, harmless cliche of this is telling your friends when they have spinach in their teeth. You may feel awkward but being honest with something so small makes a huge difference – both to your friends’ public presentability and display of honesty. However, this example is incredibly surface level. As someone who doesn’t always make the best decisions, knowing my friends would never lie to me is incredibly important. And while I still make every decision based off my own will, I know when I mess up my friends will be there with both a tissue and a ‘I told you so’. While in the moment their harsh truths may sting, long term this honesty is what keeps me growing as a person, learning from the hard lessons behind every decision. So, while you never want to be kicked when you’re down, sometimes that's exactly what you need from a good friend and knowing your friendship will prevail past this is probably a good sign you should keep them around. 

 4. Loyalty 

Recently a friend of mine said that loyalty went far beyond infidelity in a relationship, and I cannot agree more. While in friendships you can’t cheat, loyalty is still in play in ways that can be translated both here and romantically. Firstly, there should be no talking badly about your friends. Sometimes drama may arise and while you should be able to talk through things, it should never be with the intention to hurt the other – this is bare minimum. Next, is having your back even when you aren’t around. I have often had people come running to me, saying “x said y about you,” and my response is always, “and what did you say in response”. The truth is that while I do appreciate them telling me, I can’t control what people say behind my back, but I do expect my friends to defend me. If a friend is willing to sit there while someone talks badly about you and agrees or even says nothing, they aren’t loyal nor someone you want to keep around. This ties into my last point, that your best friend likely isn’t someone who is always gossiping about their other friends to you. It may seem fun to get all the “tea” and you may even feel special that your friend is willing to say all this to you. But the truth is, if someone is talking badly on someone they continue to spend time around or be friends with they are likely doing the same things in reverse – talking badly about you to them. Consider this phrase, “a friend to all, is a friend to none”, and consider where the loyalties of your so-called friends lie. 

 5. Investment into Success 

Investment in success carries two main points: 1) your friends, even when in competition with you, should still be rooting for your success, not undermining it; and 2) you should be able to do almost anything with your friends, not just being down for a good time of partying. 

Often, especially while still in school, you will wind up competing with your friends for the same goals. Whether it is an acceptance or position, having the same interests leads to similar wants. This want can often overpower the want for mutual success, but a friend worth having will cheer for your success even through their own failures. Recently, I watched almost half of my friends here at UNC all apply to the Kenan-Flagler Business School, and while inevitably they didn’t all get in, no matter the outcome, each congratulated and cheered on the other.  

The other part of this is the willingness to do activities that will improve each other, not only those which seem like a “good time”. While we should all take the opportunities of going out, having fun, and dancing until the sun comes up, it is even more important to do the opposite. This means showing up to endless hikes in the mountains when a friend goes through a breakup and needs to reconnect with nature. It means talking about the same thing over and over with your friends until it feels better with nothing except patience and the willingness to listen. It means pushing your friends to go the gym with you, on runs, cooking balanced meals, and trying new things. And on the other side of this showing up to do the same. Anyone is willing to go party with you, but a real friend will be willing to show up when it seems a lot darker. 

There is no perfect science to building a community you can rely on. I also cannot tell you who to choose to be friends with or what to value. However, consider the features above, and even if difficult, what kind of people you genuinely want to surround yourself with.